Five months and it’s finally time I came out of hiding.
This isn’t an exciting post to end the tumbleweed gracing this blog, I’m saving that for the next one. This is just to say, I’m back, and I’m not about to give up on writing like I almost also gave up on helping myself this year.
I’m not going to go into every detail; I’m not trying to be one of those awful ‘influencers’ that shares everything about their life and wants people to see what they’re doing every minute of the day. As I’m getting older I’m realising the value of privacy during certain moments of life. I only want people to be invested in my writing; interested in reading and discussing hobbies and whatever else I post about. Nevertheless, it won’t do any harm in explaining (not justifying) my absence on this here blog.
Since I graduated last year, I’m slightly ashamed to say I’ve struggled adjusting back to ‘non-student’ life. I’ve felt lazier (I stopped taking my car to Uni after first year so walked everywhere); more isolated (due to the distance separating myself and the friends I gained over three years) and less confident in writing.
As you may have guessed, I really don’t like putting my words out there until I know for sure that I’m happy with them, (the joys of being a perfectionist). Socially, I don’t tend to overthink conversations I’ve had, or hesitate to speak my mind, but when it comes to writing… Well. Every time I’ve sat down to write something this year I’ve experienced a sinking feeling and thoughts along the lines of ‘nobody wants to read this’ or ‘this is never going to be as good as you want it to be therefore there’s no point in wasting your time’. Awful, I know. But I’ve been stuck in this rut for a long while.
On top of this, my family suffered two huge losses this year and to be honest what with grief to deal with among other things it’s been hard for me to even want to get out of bed some days, let alone attempt to write. Which the two people I’ve lost would have berated me horribly for, I know it. But these things take time. You can’t plan grief.
HOWEVER, you can plan recovery. Which is what I’m aiming for currently…
To start with, I’ve created a coping mechanism to snap me out of melancholy, which involves writing down every little thing I’m grateful for. I really shouldn’t be all ‘boo-hoo-I’m-so hard-done-by‘, because I’m really not. I’m sure many of you have experienced loss and the kind of self-doubt I’ve had.
I have to remind myself I’m lucky enough to have quite a few privileges in life and one of these includes an amazing support group of friends and family. I’ve also had some amazing trips away this year which I’m now eager to share, along with some well-overdue book reviews. I haven’t read many new releases in the past few months; I’ve been re-reading the Harry Potter books for comfort, (and to further fuel the obsession, obviously), but I did read some fabulous things earlier on in the year. There are about 5 titles of reviews in my drafts waiting to be written! Also, any recommendations would be very welcome, I’d love to know what you’ve all been reading and enjoying.
So, to end this rather strange ramble, from now on I’m all about focusing on the good stuff and making more good stuff from it. As much as it might be difficult to keep to my resolution of exercising more next year, I am going to make more time to visit friends further afield, and to share my writing with some old English Lit. pals like we did in Creative Writing workshops – the more feedback, the better. I’m still new to this blogging lark and, after all, only human. There’s only so much I can edit of my own work without my brain being fried.
Anyway, I hope you all had an amazing Christmas, and I’ll return very shortly. There’s a new Black Mirror film to discuss!
If you’ve made it to the end, congrats, and thanks for reading and sticking with me!